21. Journal

December 28' 2014

  I'm on a 12 day winter vacation, the longest I've ever had in my work life. And yet, as a father of 3, it is hardly a vacation. Even as I type this, I have my blog page on one half of my computer screen; the other half of the screen has a video for my youngest son, as I multitask with him on my lap.
  'Tis is the life of a family man, as one who sets priority on the happiness of his wife and kids. The fundamentals of his work quality depends on whether he can get enough time to spend with his family.

Merry Christmas 2014

I'll tell you a Christmas secret. When I was 14, I had a dream that I would marry a person of defined features. She was dark, but not black; stern, but not mean; a woman, not a girl. My first infatuation did not fit the description, and neither did my 2nd and 3rd. Soon enough I accepted that it was just that, an immature dream, and disowned the concept of "a one true love." 

Darren Hayes, my music artist of choice, said "love is elusive when you search for it." Fay came into my life in the least expected way. Every day I'm discovering more and more that she is as close to a soul mate as can possibly be. 

I am now a realist in a real world, and every moment is a real moment that passes joyfully or painfully. Every minute, every hour, and every day is either a good one or a bad one--never irrelevant. 

My dream has come true of a happy wife, happy kids, happy friends, and happy life in my own house independent of my parents. That dream, and another--a job that I can invest in, a potential career that I can build on--have made me a truly happy man. And yet, I am dissatisfied. Dreams come true bring disillusionment. Once obtained, they don't flood your mind with endless happiness and joy. Happiness is indeed a choice that one makes whether one has little or much. I'm still learning that every day. 

December Update

Kenji's 10th Birthday

He's now 10 years old, and very much loving it. This time he asked for a savory cake, so the cake you see there is a sushi cake. Quite popular. 

 Zuma's Penmanship

His and my interests are very much alike. He loves books and pens. And he loves sports. 

Christmas is in the air. There will be lots of Christmas and New Year pics to come. 

Happy Halloween!!

The life of the family man

  These photo's were taken back around the end of August when we visited Tateyama. I've just been so busy lately. Haven't had time to post. Just 10 minutes of Facebook outdoes me, ha! Such is the family man's life when he's taken on a career that exhausts his remaining energy and time.
  Whatever energy that I have left over after work I spend it on my wife and kids. If I haven't exhausted everything after that, I use it on my career. I become superman if I can squeeze up time and energy for my friends. That's why social media is the way to go in this generation. lol!

Fireworks from our porch

It's been a tiring couple of weeks--packing, moving, then unpacking--all the while continuing work and caring for 3 kids who are on summer break. Fay and I are exhausted! 

Still, though, I've managed to get up at 5:30 this Saturday morning, so that I can be a total bum for a few hours before the kids wake up. Once they do, it's either they hug the TV for the following couple of hours or they need my undivided attention for their nonsense. Which tends to end in an uninteresting lecture from me. Lol!

Now, I'm on a 9 day vacation, another benefit my new job gives me. It's the first time in years that I'm able to take a summer break. Hopefully, this will be the norm from now. 

They Make Me Proud

  Here I am again, blogging about my life, because it's the best semi-private online avenue of biographical documentation. There's a chance that it will still be here decades later to go back to and use as a weapon against my teenage/adult sons.

 

  My immature childhood years have long gone by, and I'm left to relive them in the lives of my boys. My carefree teenage years that also went by all too quickly, will be here again to haunt me as my boys walk in my teenage footsteps, but only with memories of frivolity that I wish I had lived more freely and fully. 

  Gone forever are those good years of trial-and-error. I did a lot, and learned a lot. I'm happy I didn't step on too many people's toes in the process. I owned up to my mistakes, and made amends with my haters. I am a free man now. I feel that the sky's the limit. 

  Kenji and Deryk are becoming more bilingual by the day. It makes me proud. I feel like, for their sake, I better up my game and be the best dad, and husband to their mother, that I can possibly be. 

  It's an understatement to say that they make me proud. They make me "fuckin'" proud! 

2014 Spring

April 27 -- Spring is a happy time with color, warmth, and high-spirits. We definitely do have hard times, difficult decision-making times, and times when reason is absent. Our two older boys are developing more in-the-face attitudes. And life, in general, is a series of good times and bad. But I can say that I'm living a good life, for sure. 

All Grown Up

  I know I say this often, but it really is shocking to realize how big my boys have become. It goes to show how busy I am, that I lose track of time. I'm simply not conscious of the minutes and hours that go by, some times not even the days. Am I not really living, or is this how life is? Before I know it my boys will have all grown up. Wahh!
 

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year of 2014! I have a feeling that this is going to be a good year because it started off with a bang. I quit my job of 3 years, had a 2 week vacation with my family, and started my new job day before yesterday, and so far it's going great. 

Our two boys have stepped up a notch in their maturity with the added responsibility of our 3rd child's coming. For a while we had a streak of difficulty in their getting along with each other. But after setting a higher standard and making it clear that we'll be expecting more of them, they're doing a lot better. 

Kenji started soccer club, and Deryk is learning how to make friends. It's clear that they're both progressing real well in their lives. I can't say how happy I am to see that they're happy. 

And babe, the following is to you. I don't know when you'll get around to reading this, but I'm about to spell out some very true words:

In the busyness of our lives, you may not have the space to breath enough or to ponder enough to realize the extent of the sacrifice you're making for our child. Or perhaps you are fully aware of it, and you're braving the hardship feeling that very few around you would understand anyway. 

Maybe you're feeling also that I don't understand or that I'm too busy to care enough. Truth be told, part of that is sadly true. But I want you to know that I do see the enormous amount of self-sacrifice you're giving for our child. The little freedom that you had before is now completely gone, and practically you have nothing left of yourself to give because you're giving your all. I see that.

I may be too busy to care enough at times, and I'm sorry for those times. But in my heart I feel what you might be going through, and when I can I try to support you. I also know that no amount of care could suffice to shoulder your load, as there are so many things to a new born that only the mother can do. 

So I hope and pray that I can find the right balance and still financially support our family in this falling economy. I know that I'll continue to need to make difficult decisions or decisions that take me away from being there for you when you need me. But I hope that those situations can be few and that I will be able to find a place in this new job I have and that it'll be good for me and our family. 

I have a lot more to say, but here I am typing away with our little baby on my lap, and he's getting a little restless having to stare at the boring computer screen. I'll end this by saying that I love you and that I'll do my best to be a support when you need me. 

2 months old

2 months old and growing. People say that he's quite advanced physically and psychologically for his age. I love it how, when he's wide awake, his eyes get really BIG. Suddenly he's looking at everything in his surroundings. 

My extra Spark

Little Kazuma, you have given me one more thing to look forward to every day. Coming home to carry you, to change your diaper, to rock you to sleep; to spend the weekend with you--is a delicious cherry on top of my pie. You have added an extra spark to my world. I love you to pieces!

Update: October 9

My mind is nearly blank now as I sit to write this post--mentally exhausted from the added responsibility of baby's coming. This coming weekend is Kazuma's one-month medical check. Everything that has led up to here from the moment we found out that Fay was pregnant 9 months ago almost feels like it's coming down on me now. 

Then, of course, there's the life I'd like to live which I feel even more limited and unable to with a busier schedule. The goals I set, the time-line for them, and the ambition that propelled them through unideal circumstances, is now completely on hold. And time doesn't stop. 

Meanwhile, Kenji and Deryk's personalities are crystallizing in an increasing measure by the day, perhaps also with this change and added pressure. We're expecting quite a bit more of them, trying to keep them on a tighter leash. All that to say, life has been pretty tough this past while. 

Birth of Kazuma

Shimonaka Kazuma was born at 4:14 on a Sunday morning, September 15. He weighed 3950g and was 52cm tall. Suddenly, he became the cutest little thing in my world, and Fay all the more of the admirable woman. I love you both to bits!

September 2013 Update

For a little tidbit update, baby is due to arrive in weeks' time. Our room is pretty much set up, and we're preparing ourselves for the biggest event to arrive. Boy, am I nervous!

Summer Holidays

  It's been over a month since I last posted. I underwent a busy streak of completing my drivers license (I mean, like FINALLY!!). It took me 5 and a half months. But it can be done, for all of you fathers of 2 or 3 who work 5+ days a week.
  Our two boys have been doing well. They seem to be enjoying summer holidays to the full, with regular trips to the pool, visiting friends, participating in local festivities, and just good old free time. How I miss free time...

  I think the first step to true fatherhood is the losing of oneself. All desires, dreams, and ambitions need to coincide with your now MOST IMPORTANT role. Your number one desire, dream, and ambition becomes your wife and kids. Otherwise, this highly tedious role will get more difficult by the day, causing remorse, and eventually deep sorrow.
  But if one can nose-dive into this role, there are countless joys to be had. There is nothing that makes a father happier and prouder than a son or daughter who grows up to be an upright citizen of the world. It gives one of the deepest forms of meaning to life.

At a Water Park on Sunday

Fay's Birthday Eat-out

Japan vs. Australia game (1-1)

At Sam and Leika's house. Kids picking on Takahiro and laughing their heads off

Happy Birthday babe!!

An eat-out with our boys on Sunday for Fay's birthday

Waiting for the Focaccia and playing Memory

Lol! #1

Low Crotch Pants and Crocs

April 27--At Odaiba, Tokyo

This was an all-day-er for the kids--a total wipe out.